Is it written in the stars
They say you learn from your mistakes, I'd like to think that I do. I'd also like to think I have a good head on my shoulders and make good decisions based on facts and realistic ideals. So why have I found myself in the exact same place that I was the last time he left.
The only difference being, I am utterly disappointed this time. When he left a year ago, I was more confused than anything else. There were other emotions, disappointment being just one of many.
I guess the reason is I never really lost hope. You can't help who you fall in love with and you certainly can't just make it go away, even after they're out of your life. Maybe it was stupid to expect more from him, but I had a long time to think things over and I had really convinced myself that what I felt wasn't just one sided.
His plane is out Thursday morning, and I have no reason to believe that anything will dramatically change before that. All I am left with, is the fact that he was here for almost 2 weeks and nothing happened between us. What else can I think, I have no hope for us and as disappointing as that is, I need to deal with the brutally honest truth. He doesn't love me. I guess he never really did.
In the past his actions were wishy washy, he always gave me just enough to hang on. This time he's given me nothing to hold on to. I guess I told myself that one day he would find himself and when he did, I'd be there. It was too easy to think that his dysfunction was the reason his feelings seemed unclear, so his actions didn't always have to have bad intentions.
When we spoke Saturday night, he told me all about how unhappy he has been and that living in Newfoundland wasn't what he had thought it would be. He told me that he had no life there and that he should be here.
But now he's leaving again, maybe its just for Christmas like he said and he'll be back after the new year. But I can't hold on until then, I feel ridiculous enough for holding on this long. I don't want to think about him anymore, I don't want to waste anymore time. I just wish I could go back to the day before I met him.
Even when he hurts me, when he disappoints me, lets me down and gives me nothing; he just wont go away! I know I deserve more, I deserve a guy that will be there for me and make me happy all of the time. And I want that, but I just don't know how to get rid of any other ideas I have.
I have been mad at myself for a long time, mostly because of him. He's given me so many regrets, I fear I'll only be left with more this time. I kept loving him, because I couldn't just stop, because nothing else ever made me happy after him. I'm mad at myself again, because I allow myself to get like this over him. He doesn't lose sleep over it, so why do I allow myself to get so worked up over him.
I just keep thinking how did I end up here, why did I go through this. Other people seem to find mutual love so easily. Why do I have to suffer? Do I do it to myself? Do I fall in love with the wrong people? Am I a glutton for punishment.
The truth is I don't know what to think, I keep going back for more. So it must be my fault, I do it to myself. I just have to convince my head, my heart, and my gut, that its over; its been over for a really long time and I've known it. I just held on to the hope that we were meant to be and that it would some how work out in the end.
When I think about it rationally, he's given me no reason to hang on and probably has no idea, I still feel this way. I have taken myself down this long lonely road and its time I see that he is not at the end waiting for me.
You know what I noticed about Saturday, the usual intensity/attraction, wasn't there. It was as if too much time had passed, too much had come between us. We were both avoiding the real issue and knew it the entire time. I was too angry to feel anything. As he told me how unhappy he was, I felt cold and unsympathetic for the first time towards him. I asked myself, why did he go then and why did he stay away so long? He doesn't know how to make himself happy either; and maybe a glutton for punishment, himself.
I don't know where to go from here, just not back to where I was last year. I promise myself that I will not be at work this new year's, as a good excuse to mope; thinking about where he is, what he's doing and if we'll be together again.
My new year's resolution is to bring happiness to myself in 2007!
Quote/Thought of the day...You are all I’ll ever want but this I am denyin’
The only difference being, I am utterly disappointed this time. When he left a year ago, I was more confused than anything else. There were other emotions, disappointment being just one of many.
I guess the reason is I never really lost hope. You can't help who you fall in love with and you certainly can't just make it go away, even after they're out of your life. Maybe it was stupid to expect more from him, but I had a long time to think things over and I had really convinced myself that what I felt wasn't just one sided.
His plane is out Thursday morning, and I have no reason to believe that anything will dramatically change before that. All I am left with, is the fact that he was here for almost 2 weeks and nothing happened between us. What else can I think, I have no hope for us and as disappointing as that is, I need to deal with the brutally honest truth. He doesn't love me. I guess he never really did.
In the past his actions were wishy washy, he always gave me just enough to hang on. This time he's given me nothing to hold on to. I guess I told myself that one day he would find himself and when he did, I'd be there. It was too easy to think that his dysfunction was the reason his feelings seemed unclear, so his actions didn't always have to have bad intentions.
When we spoke Saturday night, he told me all about how unhappy he has been and that living in Newfoundland wasn't what he had thought it would be. He told me that he had no life there and that he should be here.
But now he's leaving again, maybe its just for Christmas like he said and he'll be back after the new year. But I can't hold on until then, I feel ridiculous enough for holding on this long. I don't want to think about him anymore, I don't want to waste anymore time. I just wish I could go back to the day before I met him.
Even when he hurts me, when he disappoints me, lets me down and gives me nothing; he just wont go away! I know I deserve more, I deserve a guy that will be there for me and make me happy all of the time. And I want that, but I just don't know how to get rid of any other ideas I have.
I have been mad at myself for a long time, mostly because of him. He's given me so many regrets, I fear I'll only be left with more this time. I kept loving him, because I couldn't just stop, because nothing else ever made me happy after him. I'm mad at myself again, because I allow myself to get like this over him. He doesn't lose sleep over it, so why do I allow myself to get so worked up over him.
I just keep thinking how did I end up here, why did I go through this. Other people seem to find mutual love so easily. Why do I have to suffer? Do I do it to myself? Do I fall in love with the wrong people? Am I a glutton for punishment.
The truth is I don't know what to think, I keep going back for more. So it must be my fault, I do it to myself. I just have to convince my head, my heart, and my gut, that its over; its been over for a really long time and I've known it. I just held on to the hope that we were meant to be and that it would some how work out in the end.
When I think about it rationally, he's given me no reason to hang on and probably has no idea, I still feel this way. I have taken myself down this long lonely road and its time I see that he is not at the end waiting for me.
You know what I noticed about Saturday, the usual intensity/attraction, wasn't there. It was as if too much time had passed, too much had come between us. We were both avoiding the real issue and knew it the entire time. I was too angry to feel anything. As he told me how unhappy he was, I felt cold and unsympathetic for the first time towards him. I asked myself, why did he go then and why did he stay away so long? He doesn't know how to make himself happy either; and maybe a glutton for punishment, himself.
I don't know where to go from here, just not back to where I was last year. I promise myself that I will not be at work this new year's, as a good excuse to mope; thinking about where he is, what he's doing and if we'll be together again.
My new year's resolution is to bring happiness to myself in 2007!
Quote/Thought of the day...You are all I’ll ever want but this I am denyin’
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts
I wish I never learned
What it is to be in love and have that love returned
-Leann Rimes
posted by Miss McCann | 11:21 PM
2 Comments:
I had to read your post three times before I could figure out why it made me so sad. You happened to fall in love with someone who was incapable of loving you back in the way you deserved. He has a lot of growing up to do and someday will look back and think 'Wow, I had her - the perfect girl and I ruined it because of my own stupidity and immaturity'. Even when you were in the relationship, did you think it was working for you? Was this really the person you wanted to be with? Maybe he was the person then but now you've changed and he hasn't. You're different now and even if he moved back here and wanted to pursue something with you, you aren't the same Joanne he left broken hearted the first time and disappointed the last time.
Thank-you for your comment. When no one commented I thought maybe it was too much.
I tell myself evreyday that it was him, not me. So thanks for re-assuring that.
I'm convinced, I was the right girl for him, but does that make him the right guy for me???I don't know. I guess he could have been, but he's just not willing to grow up. So now we just grow apart.
I really hope you're right and he disapponted me for the last time.
Love Joanne
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