Read At Your Own Risk

I wasn't going to go here. I thought maybe it was too dark for my blog. But you know what? These are my real thoughts and this is my way of venting and getting it all out, so if you think you can't handle it don't read this one. But I know you will because you're so curious now, just don't say I didn't warn you!


I don't know why I'm so bothered by it, if it were anyone else, I'd say your 25! You're pretty and smart! The right guy just hasn't come along yet. But for some reason I can't tell myself any of that, I just feel like I'm kidding myself. Deep down I don't really believe that being single at 25 with no prospects is a big deal, but I just don't want that for me. My problem is, I paint this pretty picture for myself and fill it with goals and ambitions. This creates a problem, it all includes someone else, someone whom I don't know yet. So there for, all my plans are shot! I know I shouldn't think like that! I have a good life, I have made mostly good choices that I've had success in living with. Its other peoples choices that I can't control and can't fix!
I could have had it all! So to speak, I could have gone along and not ended things with my fiancee and all my plans would have went according to schedule. Thankfully, I realized before it got worse, that fulfilling a time line and fulfilling my dreams were two different things. I had some how mixed them up. There are really no regrets there, not once, not even for a second, did I wish for him back. Scary. I'm just glad I came to my senses and was strong enough to call it quits for good. Where did I get the strength?
Even sometimes when I think, I am going to be single forever! I have no remorse. Best decision I ever made.
I try and focus all my energy on being happy and content in the present and let me tell you, it is exhausting! At work I can totally escape, I'm focused on so many other things and the welfare of others takes over my own needs and wants.
School however is not an escape, I am constantly reminded that I am NOT YET A MOM! And I feel the room close in on me when the conversation drifts to husbands and significant others. I feel like I'm in grade 5 all over again, I don't have my project done and I'm praying the teacher doesn't ask me about it. I fear them singling me out as a single person. Is it weird that I don't want them to know I'm single and live with my parents? I mean most of them are almost twice my age, why do I even compare myself.
And it gets back to my own issues... my need for accomplishment. If I think its important and I want it for myself, then I need to go out and do it! or get it! But a family is not purchased on line, to tell you the truth..... I don't even think dating should happen on-line! But that's just me. I can't get over the stigma. Just the other day Katie sent me a link to plenty of fish, a free on-line local dating service. At first I was pissed! Who the hell is she to tell me I should try on-line dating, because my love life is so pathetic....and then oops! She sent me my ex-fiance's listing. I don't know why or how. It was really sad, he said he does drugs- socially, drinks- often 3+ times a week. and he's
"looking for a girl who ain't too much of a bitch to party and go clubin' with."
I thought yeah! Your going to get lots of hits with a come on like that! So I rest my case with on-line dating.
I guess the only thing I'm working on....You always see people who are single a lot or for a long time, re-invent themselves like crazy! I'm not doing that, I am happy with me and my choices. Yeah, so I could loose a few pounds but really, this is me! Love it or leave it! I'm not going to try and be the girl I think guys want. That's just like showing up to play hockey in your bathing suit and wearing your hockey gear for synchronized swimming!. If your going to play the lotto does it not make sense to play the same numbers every time? I know you think... but how do you keep from making the same mistakes over and over? I'm not talking stagnation. I live, I learn, I listened to Alanis. I just mean not trying to be something I'm not. So the thing I'm working on, is to come to a realization on how I make people feel? You hear things like, people wont remember what you said or what you did, they'll remember how you made them feel. I really believe this is important. So I need to be conscious of the way I make people feel. Tell me, how do I make you feel? How do I come across?

Perspective

What I'm watching this season..... I was very disapointed today to find out that T.R Knight (George O'Malley) Of Grey's Anatomy, the one I said I loved.....IS GAY! I guess I can still love George the character, he's not gay. But its just not the same.
Coming out. Did you know that people can come out for all types of things? I was watching The Passionate Eye, I know I'm a geek! Anyway, this little person had a coming out party when he decided to embrace his dwarfism. Weird eh? I forgot to mention before that Mom and I don't miss Little People Big World.

At The Beam..... My focus lately has been on living in the now. I find myself all to often thinking eventually, or when I accomplish this, when I graduate, when I move out and when I find someone. Yes, I can't help but look forward to those things but what about today, what about right this minute. Are we so focused on goals and ambitions that we forget to stop and smell the flowers? Just tonight at work, I was in one of the group homes and before I put one of our little guys to bed, I sat in the lazy boy and cuddled him for a bit. As I sat there patting his bum, just like he loves, I realized something. This is my job! I am getting paid to love this little butterball who is, thee cuddlest 3 year old boy you could ever meet! I actually took a minute to say, Wow! my job is great! I feel blessed. How lucky am I ? How many people put their all into a job and get what I get back. His little dimples and his little giggles make everything worth it! I wish I could step back for those moments more often.
Things on my mind.... time to go to bed.
Thought/Quote of the day......Love people and use things; not love things and use people.

I don't know where the time goes

Sometimes you feel like you've come to a fork in the road. Things are changing beyond your control and if you could stop everything in its tracks, you would. The Stampede has changed, I don't know when it happened but on Saturday it hit me! I feel like I have stayed the same, while everyone else found something better to do Saturday nights. There were things about that place I never thought would or could change. It happened slowly but surely they all moved on. The DuHart and her crew, Jason Blaine and other bands that went on to find bigger and better gigs; Mike the DJ-gone, Cogan, many other newfie's, even Buck hasn't made an appearance in a long time. This whole time I've wanted to find something more productive to do on my Saturday nights, but I thought that ol' country bar would be there until I did. I even forgot to mention the smoking situation has hit an all time low, but we wont get into that. Nanny Dic(ok so she's still there) Is really missing those days you could smoke in the bar. Even the bouncers! theres only like two left that are the originals (Thick neck,XS t-shirt aka BJ and the old grumpy guy). I can only imagine how Sammy's goers must have felt when they paved paradise and put up a parking lot!!!!!! Anyway, Cathy and I made the best of it and had a good time thanks to the Bob crew showing up. You know, I couldn't get a nice drink all night, maybe that was my problem.
In other news..... I went dress shopping with Liz on Saturday, I think we found our dresses. I was trying to find a picture on line but had no luck. If I do I'll post it. They're beautiful! And Liz tried on her wedding dress for us, its so her and just gorgeous! I have pictures of that on my phone, but don't know how to do anything with them.
Can't wait to go shopping, I got the Friday and the Saturday off!! I'm so excited!
Thought/Quote of the day...We were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue With our Rock n' roll T-shirts, and our typically bad attitudes Had no excuses for the things that we'd done We were brave, we were crazy, we were mostly Young -Kenny Chesney.

Welcome!

So the name of my blog....It is the name of The Wreckers c.d, also a titled track! I love it and play it in my car constantly. Its worth checking out! Its a little bit country, a little Michelle Branch roots and just great song writing. There is a track for every mood you could ever be in.
What I am reading....... A great book for a report in my E.A class, called: Kids Are Worth It-Barbara Coloroso. It sounds cheesy I know, but I have been pleasantly surprised. Its really written for parents although she is a teacher. She takes everything we've ever known about parenting and puts it to the test; the way we were raised and the way we will/are raising our children. Her basic message- parents don't always know best. The most interesting thing I've read so far, is her break down on the different types of families. She says there are three types, the brick-wall family, the jellyfish family, and the backbone family. The brick-wall is a dicatatorship, "As long as you're under my roof, you'll do what I say." The jellyfish family is broken up into A and B. 'A' is lenient because they had a brick-wal family, "You can stay up as late as you want, I had to be in bed by 8 until I was 16". ' B' is lenient because they just can't be bothered, "Go ahead have icecream for supper, I have no time to cook anyway." And the back bone family is nurturing and gives their children limits and choices, "You can do it I know you can, I'm here to catch you if you need me." Then it goes on to describe the type of product these families produce. I highly recommend this book, it applies to everyone because it explains why people are the way they are and who isn't constantly wondering that? And who doesn't love a book that questions authority.
This season I am watching......Grey's Anatomy, I can't believe George is single again! Or that he is a fictional character:( I'm in love with Dr. George O'Malley. Mom has been great at taping Lost for me (school night) I'm really confused but I think we're supposed to be??? How many "Others" are there???and Desperate Housewives, its always a good laugh and I love trying to predict what will happen, but I hate soaps, OK!
(yikes! Mike just woke up from his coma....is it a soap?)
Things on my mind...... SELL, SELL,SELL!!!! tickets for Brian's Fundraiser. Start, work on and complete my group project, group project meaning just me! Because my friend and only group member got knocked up and quit school! Also making me the only "non-Mom" in the whole damn estogen driven class! Just kidding love you C.J. I'm also worried about going to The Stampede this Saturday, I don't want to EVER be that hung over again. I also have to do the whole bridesmaid thing again with Liz, starting this Saturday we're looking at dresses. I'm really happy for her don't get me wrong; its just that I feel more like an old maid than a bridesmaid.
Thought/quote of the day.... "There is a Universal truth I have found in my work. Everybody longs to be loved. And the greatest thing we can ever do is let somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.
-Fred Rodgers, of Mr. Rodgers Neighbourhood.