Tissues, Halls and cabin fever

I've been sick, sick, sick! This last week and a half is such a blur. Between all the cold medicine and late night hours up coughing, I don't know what's going on. I felt like a pile of crap all last week. I went to work anyway, unitl Friday night I was supposed to work 4-12. The nurse made me wear a mask! Who am I protecting? Where do you think I got this!? And since its a home and there's no staff room for your break, I couldn't really eat or drink. After protesting the inconvenience and that life isn't really fair; as a part time employee I don't get paid to be sick, the nurse sent me home. I didn't return all weekend, I lazed around taking dose after dose of drowsy cough medicine. After staying up all night, went to the clinic Monday morning. Got some penicillin and although I still have the nagging old man hack, I'm doing much better. Thank god penicillin is cheap because to add to the unfairness in my life, I no longer have a drug plan!
So now I'm poor, poor, poor! But I'm not sick! Hope there really is a Santa Claus, for everyone elses sake!
Ok enough whining for one night.
Thought/Quote of the day.....
What's in a Christmas card? What does giving one and receiving one mean to you? Please comment!!!

Is it written in the stars

They say you learn from your mistakes, I'd like to think that I do. I'd also like to think I have a good head on my shoulders and make good decisions based on facts and realistic ideals. So why have I found myself in the exact same place that I was the last time he left.
The only difference being, I am utterly disappointed this time. When he left a year ago, I was more confused than anything else. There were other emotions, disappointment being just one of many.
I guess the reason is I never really lost hope. You can't help who you fall in love with and you certainly can't just make it go away, even after they're out of your life. Maybe it was stupid to expect more from him, but I had a long time to think things over and I had really convinced myself that what I felt wasn't just one sided.
His plane is out Thursday morning, and I have no reason to believe that anything will dramatically change before that. All I am left with, is the fact that he was here for almost 2 weeks and nothing happened between us. What else can I think, I have no hope for us and as disappointing as that is, I need to deal with the brutally honest truth. He doesn't love me. I guess he never really did.
In the past his actions were wishy washy, he always gave me just enough to hang on. This time he's given me nothing to hold on to. I guess I told myself that one day he would find himself and when he did, I'd be there. It was too easy to think that his dysfunction was the reason his feelings seemed unclear, so his actions didn't always have to have bad intentions.
When we spoke Saturday night, he told me all about how unhappy he has been and that living in Newfoundland wasn't what he had thought it would be. He told me that he had no life there and that he should be here.
But now he's leaving again, maybe its just for Christmas like he said and he'll be back after the new year. But I can't hold on until then, I feel ridiculous enough for holding on this long. I don't want to think about him anymore, I don't want to waste anymore time. I just wish I could go back to the day before I met him.
Even when he hurts me, when he disappoints me, lets me down and gives me nothing; he just wont go away! I know I deserve more, I deserve a guy that will be there for me and make me happy all of the time. And I want that, but I just don't know how to get rid of any other ideas I have.
I have been mad at myself for a long time, mostly because of him. He's given me so many regrets, I fear I'll only be left with more this time. I kept loving him, because I couldn't just stop, because nothing else ever made me happy after him. I'm mad at myself again, because I allow myself to get like this over him. He doesn't lose sleep over it, so why do I allow myself to get so worked up over him.
I just keep thinking how did I end up here, why did I go through this. Other people seem to find mutual love so easily. Why do I have to suffer? Do I do it to myself? Do I fall in love with the wrong people? Am I a glutton for punishment.
The truth is I don't know what to think, I keep going back for more. So it must be my fault, I do it to myself. I just have to convince my head, my heart, and my gut, that its over; its been over for a really long time and I've known it. I just held on to the hope that we were meant to be and that it would some how work out in the end.
When I think about it rationally, he's given me no reason to hang on and probably has no idea, I still feel this way. I have taken myself down this long lonely road and its time I see that he is not at the end waiting for me.
You know what I noticed about Saturday, the usual intensity/attraction, wasn't there. It was as if too much time had passed, too much had come between us. We were both avoiding the real issue and knew it the entire time. I was too angry to feel anything. As he told me how unhappy he was, I felt cold and unsympathetic for the first time towards him. I asked myself, why did he go then and why did he stay away so long? He doesn't know how to make himself happy either; and maybe a glutton for punishment, himself.
I don't know where to go from here, just not back to where I was last year. I promise myself that I will not be at work this new year's, as a good excuse to mope; thinking about where he is, what he's doing and if we'll be together again.
My new year's resolution is to bring happiness to myself in 2007!
Quote/Thought of the day...You are all I’ll ever want but this I am denyin’

Sometimes in my darkest thoughts

I wish I never learned

What it is to be in love and have that love returned

-Leann Rimes

Song In My Head

WANT TO by: SUGARLAND

I've packed a cooler and a change of clothes

Let's jump and see how far it goes

You got my heart and your daddy's boat

We got all night to make it float

We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends

Or we could jump in

Whole world could change in a minute

Just one kiss could stop this spining

We could think it through

But I don't want to, if you don't want to

We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose

But I don't want to, if you don't want to

I got your ring around my neck

And a couple of nights I don't regret

You got a dream of a degree

And a shirt that smells like me

Yeah we both got dreams, we could chase alone

Or we could make our own

Whole world could change in a minute

Just one kiss could stop this spining

We could think it through

But I don't want to, if you don't want to

We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose

But I don't want to, if you don't want to

Never waste another day

Wonderin' what you threw away

Holdin me, holdin you

I don't want to, if you don't want to

We could keep things just the same

Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose

But I don't want to, if you don't want to

But I want to

But I want you.

thinking one thing, saying another.

After almost a year, we came face to face Saturday night. Outside smoking, at the end of the night, we managed a few minutes alone. There wasn't a lot said, but I feel like a lot came from it, just the same. It was like we never left the Stampede, he played all the same games, except I have a new game!!! I think it threw him.
I let him take the lead, let him come to me and let him do the talking. So he told me a lot about Newfoundland, his job(laidoff from), reasons to stay, reasons to go... and things like that. I only inserted tactful, oh yeah's and nods and the expected -polite small talk. I got the stong feeling like he wanted me to say more, every now and then he would pause and we would just look at eachother and it seemed as if we knew, we were both thinking about something else, but just wouldn't say. It was weird, but only awkward before he started talking. Once that happened it was like the ice was broken and I'm glad he did it, because I wasn't about to. I don't know if he wanted a reason to stay, but I wont give him one. He needs to find his own reasons.
I wasn't cold, I don't think, I wasn't hot, I was just warm. We all went our seperate ways at the end of the night, which was good! I didn't get myself into trouble!!!
Apparently, he talked to both Mom and Dad. Dad even invited him over for a beer sometime! (mortified!!) No, seriously I'm really glad they were cool. I wouldn't want him to think I bashed him for a year and black listed him, that would make me look like a crazy! This way, I can be neutral.
Then tonight I was out with MR when DW called asked her to pick them up. So she told him I was driving, he said whatever and we went to pick them both up. DW was being an arrogant drunk and BW... he was pretty quiet, but friendly enough. We dropped BW off and then I dropped MR and DW off at her house. Not a whole lot was said, except DW asked, if I had beer at my house; I told him we were selling the extra cases from last night. He then said, there you go BW go over and have a beer with her father, he told you to. BW didn't say a word, just smerked, knowing I could see him in my rearview.
I don't know why I went to pick them up, it just seemed like I would have been running away and avoiding him if I hadn't (given the situation.) I want to be cool, neutral and Zen. You know?
BW said he's probably going back this week, I guess thats it. He told me a whole lot of other crap too, but who knows if that will ever happen. I wont hold my breath.

Thought/Quote of the day...If you stand still outside you can hear it… Winter’s footsteps, the sound of falling leaves -Takayuki Ikkaku

I am intimidating?

Intimidate (n-tm-dt) tr.v. in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates
To make timid; fill with fear.
To coerce or inhibit by or as if by threats.
Synonyms: intimidate, browbeat, bulldoze, cow, 2bully, 1bludgeonThese verbs all mean to frighten into submission, compliance, or acquiescence. Intimidate implies the presence or operation of a fear-inspiring force: “It [atomic energy] may intimidate the human race into bringing order into its international affairs” (Albert Einstein). Browbeat suggests the persistent application of highhanded, disdainful, or imperious tactics: browbeating a witness. Bulldoze connotes the leveling of all spirit of opposition: was bulldozed into hiring an unacceptable candidate. Cow implies bringing out an abject state of timorousness and often demoralization: a dog that was cowed by abuse. To bully is to intimidate through blustering, domineering, or threatening behavior: workers who were bullied into accepting a poor contract. Bludgeon suggests the use of grossly aggressive or combative methods: had to be bludgeoned into fulfilling his duties.
Not something you would like to be described as. Apparently, this is me. I was not told this to my face, but it has been established. How do you change something you don't recognize? How do you alter an action, if you don't know your doing it? Not to change just for any one person,
just, in general. I don't want to be intimidating to anyone. After I examined the topic, I realized, I intimidate my sister, my current teacher and god knows who else.
I have a strong personality, do I just automatically intimidate the people who don't. Do these people feel I look down upon them? I don't purposely act this way. I would never purposely make someone I care about feel inferior.
My teacher- thats a whole other story, she doesn't know what she's talking about half of the time. I can't help but make my point occasionally. Unfortunately, that it makes her look incompetent.
My sister- I guess a big part of that is involuntary. I mean I can't help that I'm the big sister. I just hope she knows that I love her and don't ever mean to make her feel bad.
The guys in my life-Another person I know I intimidated, was my ex-fiance. I feel like he forced me to be that person, that explains why I didn't like who I was with him. I know it all comes down to us not being right for eachother. But maybe a part of that stayed with me. I did move on really quick. Even though I really didn't feel it, maybe I was still in BT mode when I was with BW.
Thought/Quote of the day....Reconciliation is a hard thing to accomplish, when you haven't confessed everything.

10 days.

So I'm moving along great! Christmas is coming and I'm only an hour or two away from our shopping extraveganza! I'm looking forward to next weekend as well, for Brian's fundraiser!

Then.......

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!

He's back.

My friend and her boyfriend/his brother are picking him up at the airport on Saturday. She was reluctant to tell me, knowing how I've been doing so well. But she caved lastnight. I understand her being hesitant, I didn't really want to know. At the same time, if I had just bumped into him, that wouldn't have been fun. She informed me he's only here for 10 days. I don't know if I'll see him, but I'm not going to The Stampede any time soon. Not because of him, I just have other things going on. So I'm not making a point to see him, but if I see him, then I see him. I'm not expecting anything since he's only here for 10 days. Frankly, I hope he isn't either, since he is only here for 10 days.
I'm just going to go on doing, what I've been doing and whatever happens, happens. I can't let it ruin my night, worrying about him showing up at BL's fundraiser. I don't want to face him, but I can if I have to. Anyway, its all up to him.
Thought/Quote of the day... "Armed with will and determination And grace too......"
- Gord Downey.

Oprah and Gene all in the same blog

What I'm watching this season... So Lost ended tonight until February!! I knew there would be a cliff hanger, but that was just ridiculous! Anyway, I am kind of glad and kind of sad about Kate/Monica whatever her real name is... I saw her on Leno or Letterman earlier in the season and she said she will pick Jack or Sawyer this season. The last couple episodes I was leaning towards Sawyer. I think I would pick Sawyer! He's the wrong guy, he's trouble, he's rugged, he has the whole Matthew Maconahey thing going on- Am I right? Jack he's a doctor, what good his he really in the jungle? All you need is a first aider!! LOL!! Can't wait until February!!!!
I have also been watching Gene Simmons Rock School, it comes on Much Music and I think Spike TV?? I don't even know when it comes on, I just find it sometimes and tonight I saw the last episode. Normally, I can't stand British accents but for some reason, kids are OK. For those of you who haven't seen or heard of it.....Its a bunch of troubled 15 year olds from England and Gene Simmons makes them into a band. They actually tour and then come to California and visit Gene's mansion. Where they open for Anthrax and Judas Preist for 20,000 people! Its exactly what you'd expect! Gene is a heavy metal dude, teaching these kids how to rock'n'roll all night! The lead singer is amazing, he's 4' nothing and Gene refered to him as Angus JR. of AC>DC. Well put, in my opinion. Anyway, if you happen to catch it, you wont be disappionted.
In college... I handed in my review on Kids Are Worth It-Barbara Coloroso. Turns out her book is on the exam, glad I picked that one!
What I'm reading... I don't have to read anything else for this class. I think I'm going to try and find The Wedding, from the same author as The Note Book. Michelle told me about it in the summer and I've wanted to read it ever since. Its kind of weird that a man writes these books. I think it makes it all the more interesting.
On My Mind... SHOPPING!!!! 2 more sleeps! But I'm especially excited to shop for my boy at the group home. Thank-you to everyone for your support! The other night I dreampt that Oprah bought me a house so I could adopt him and I was one of those people blubbering on her show. (For real) the very next day, I watched Oprah and she gave this lady who lived in the ghetto, raising 7 adopted children and who looked after her elderly mother, a house. I thought wow she really does do that!! Freaky!
Thought/Quote of the day...
I trust that everything happens for a reason, even when we're not wise enough to see it.
Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine

My friend and my Dad

So I have this single friend and she's the type that re-invents herslef every couple of months. I had a long talk with her tonight. Her new idea for enhancement is to get porcelain verniers, which cost about $2000 that she does not have. She plans do it in instalments. Her last venture was laser cellulite treatment, which left her permanently bruised, $800 later. I tried to first ask her why she wanted this and reminded her of what happened last time. She said it was for herself, but I don't believe that. I tried to say that any guy worth her time and effort wouldn't care about the gap in her teeth or the size and appearance of her thighs. She agreed and went on to discuss how she could pay for her new smile. I really don't know what else I can do for her, she says she agrees with me but then she doesn't come to the same conclusions. I can only think, she's going to do what she's going to do and it doesn't matter what sense it makes.
I guess having a Dad around to tell you how beautiful you are, really is important. I mean, I have things I'd like to change but its nothing serious and I wouldn't go out and get plastic surgery! But I have a Dad who would always say, you don't need all of that make-up-you're beautiful without it. Its weird you know but I really do think the kind of Dad you have really says what kind of woman you'll be.
I remember my Dad playing dolls on the floor with me. How many girls can say that? He was just really involved and he cared about the family. So you say, healthy father daughter relationship.....healthy adult relationship. Thats just the problem, I'm never going to find a guy as good as my Dad. Maybe I'll just have to settle for... wants to be as good as my Dad.


Thought/Quote of the day...."Fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do." -John Mayer